Derailed

Compassion may be a noble obsession, but I haven't been up to the task.  First I was derailed by a tangent investigation into radical honesty -- which actually has a connection to compassion.  Then I was forced to be honest with myself and realize that I have a much deeper issue to address: myself.

After grappling with the appropriateness of obsessing about myself instead of a project or grand idea or even a single personality or character trait I realized what is really going on.  I am in the midst of a mid-life crisis.  The funny thing is that once I admitted that, I got a tiny bit calmer.  And a few days after I admitted it to myself, my partner mentioned that she thought that was what was happening. 

There's nothing wrong with a mid-life crisis.  I am turning 43 in September.  I've had other existential crises throughout my life. This one just seems much deeper and intense.  I've actually been in the midst of this crisis for several years -- at least since we moved to Santa Fe in late 2008.  I managed different levels of functioning in that time.  Last year, for example, I worked for nine months at a full-time job without any major meltdowns. 

Rather than rambling on and on, for now I'll just stop here. I'm unable to obsess about anything because I am having a mid life crisis which requires me to obsess about everything.  As a result, my "official" obsession is going to have to be Myself -- at least for awhile.

Third Week Status Report

My third week was all about proving the principle that if you aren't compassionate with yourself, you can't show compassion to others.

I failed at both and am struggling to figure out the difference between being understanding of my failure and forgiving myself and condoning my behavior.  The latter will just lead to me either repeating the behavior or wallowing in it.  Neither is something I want to do.

It's been a really difficult time and I don't think I'm going to go into the specifics.  I need to refocus on ways to be compassion to myself and others.

Body Compassion

When I realized that I would need to be working on self compassion as part of this productive obsession, I recognized that a big part of that was going to involve what I refer to as body compassion.  It goes beyond the idea of improving my body image. I need to consider my body to be an entity all its own and treat it with the same compassion and loving kindness that I strive to show others.

I have had a contentious relationship with my body throughout my life. At different periods of time I have actively worked on improving personal body image and on learning to love my body.  I am in a much better place than I was twenty ago when I was an adolescent, but I still have a lot of work to do.

Having to face these body problems is right up there as one of my fears about compassion.  Mostly because I am comfortable with my habits and I don't want to have to change. Change is work and it can be very hard and I'd so much rather just coast along -- even though I know that coasting is bad for my spirit and hazardous to my health.

I have been trying to identify what it means to me to show compassion for my body.  I've come up with a few central principles:

1. Do not harm my body
2. Listen to the biological signals my body is constantly sending
3. Nurture my body
4. Praise and reward my body

Sounds simple, but its really very scary to me.

Putting it into Practice

So far I have had mixed success on these four principles.

Do Not Harm My Body

This means breaking bad habits like picking my nails, scabs, and calluses.  It also means recognizing when I'm injured or in pain and not "overdoing it" as that can cause harm.  I am also striving to be more aware of what I am doing with my body at all times, so that I don't risk "accidents" like when I wrenched my knee last month and couldn't do anything for a week.

Listen to My Body

In many ways this is harder than breaking the bad habits on the first principle.  Not only do I have to stop eating without thinking or slouching into bad positions that aren't good for me, I have to be more discerning of the messages I'm receiving from my body.  Understanding the difference between my body saying it is hungry and my mind/emotions craving something for comfort or out of anxiety is extremely difficult. Likewise, being able to act on the message once I decipher it can be a struggle.  Sure I may feel full but my id wants to continue the immediate pleasure of snacks. When I'm tired, I don't want to go to sleep when I can finish reading an intriguing book. Listening to my body means that I have to stop ignoring the messages its sends.

Nurture My Body

This is where the problems of body image kick in.  If I don't like my body, why should I bother to nurture it?  The flip side of this is that if I am all about "fixing" my body, that just reinforces that I don't like it and feel it is unworthy.  Adopting an attitude of loving kindness and compassion means that I need to engage in activities that help my body be healthy and happy without judgements about its current state or harsh expectations about its future. I want to acquire positive habits and practices that will nurture the growth and health of my body.  Much easier to say than to do at this point.

Praise and Reward My Body

Again, body image is at the forefront. I have to believe there is something good about my body in order to praise it.  I am working on an attitude of reverence for my body -- for everything it gives me throughout the day and for it simply existing in its current state.  Again, much harder in practice than in thought.  As for rewards, what would be a reward for a body that isn't tied to emotions and mental processes?  For now I'm offering loving attention to different parts of my body.  I think I will need to reframe the way I think about things like exercise and attention in order to discover other 'rewards' that may work.

Progress Report

I had planned to do a weekly progress report, but I was sick at the beginning of week 2. Now that I'm at the end of the second full week, I find my head to be very fuzzy. I'm not sure that I can put together anything remotely coherent, but I'm going to try.

The first week actually went better than I expected.  I knew there would be significant internal resistance to the idea of practicing compassion for myself and to giving up all my other distractions in order to truly obsess.  While that did happen, it wasn't as extreme -- though to be honest, I didn't let go of my normal distractions that much.  I did find my mind spinning with thoughts related to compassion and self compassion.  I stumbled across the 12 Steps book as well as several websites that fueled reflections on compassion.  I even started recognizing discourse on compassion in other places -- like creativity books and self help/memoirs.

I have identified some connections between compassion and imagination and creativity that I had not previously recognized.  A day before the light bulb went off I wouldn't have been able to accept that there was such a direct relationship.  Now it makes perfect sense, though I'm not really able to articulate it clearly yet.  I guess it is true that when you allow yourself to obsess on something you start to put thoughts and ideas together in new and exciting ways.

Week two was less insightful.  Partly because I was sick and since I recovered I've been extremely tired and worn down.  If illness is supposed to be the body saying it needs a break and providing for enforced rest, then something went wrong in my case.  I got over the illness, but I'm exhausted and sleepy a lot of the time.  It makes it even more difficult to put words together -- just ask Johnnie how many times I've misspoke in the last week.

I have made small steps towards self acceptance and nurturing.  I am doing little bits of art preparation and (before I got sick) I even managed to do a small collage as well as finish a collage I had started last year.  I am also making progress on body compassion (another big issue that I'll write more about in a day or two). Nothing major yet, just small steps.

I have almost finished my first read of the 12 Steps Book and am working my way through Toxic Criticism.  Both are key to helping me frame my process of self compassion, overall compassion, and moving forward with creating a meaningful life for myself.

If I had to summarize the first two weeks of this productive obsession I'd say that Week One was about excitement and unexpected insights and Week Two has been about baby steps and learning to sustain the obsession.

Quotes from Ms Jackson

True You: A Journey to Finding and Loving Yourself

"At the deepest level, we're all related, and we can all relate.  We need to relate to survive the emotional storms that come our way." page 4

"...as a child of God, I'm loved, I'm valued, and I'm capable of achieving balance in my life." page 150

My Fear About Compassion

Johnnie considers me to be one of the more compassionate and loving people he knows.  He marvels at my ability to "love my enemy" and show unconditional love to people in my family (of origin and of choice).  Yet the Universe insisted that I productively obsess about compassion. I try to follow the will of the Universe, even when it scares me as this does.

On the surface, there isn't anything scary about compassion. Treating people better and learning to love and honor them is a part of my core belief, so it isn't foreign or strange. It is simply a matter of going deeper into a state that I already achieve to reach. Still, I am terrified of compassion in one major arena: myself.

Like many people, or at least many women, in contemporary society, I have a great deal of trouble showing compassion or love for myself.  I am forgiving, understanding, and kind to the faults, mistakes, and suffering of other people -- even people I dislike or don't know.  My faults, mistakes, suffering, and even my very thoughts and emotions are suspect, judged, and found lacking most of the time.  I will admit that I am better now than I was twenty years ago, but I am still mired in, if not self hatred, then self disdain and distrust.

Learning to be more compassionate to myself seems to be selfish.  After all, compassion is about putting other people first, so compassion to myself shouldn't even enter the equation.  That is one of the many excuses I have used in the past to deny myself compassion.  Without compassion to myself I fail to be the person I am meant to be.  I do not pursue the paths, opportunities, relationships, and jobs that would feed my authentic self thereby making me stronger and healthier and more capable of showing compassion to others. If I want to be a force for compassion in the world, I need to be stronger than I am now. To be stronger, I have to stop intentionally causing suffering -- and that starts with not hurting myself.

What could possibly be scary about being nicer to myself? 

There are forty years of thought conditioning that must be addressed.  Conditioning that tells me I don't deserve success or happiness and that I'm not worthy of compassion or love.  Removing that conditioning means facing the pain and suffering that they have caused.  It means changing the way that I view myself and, therefore, the world around me.  It means taking away the comfortable patterns of behavior that I have employed for most of my life on this planet -- and it doesn't matter that those patterns cause pain and suffering, they are familiar.  Humans cling to the familiar and equate it with safety even when it is actually harmful and dangerous.

I am also afraid of the possibility that I will fail in this endeavor.  After all, I repeatedly tell myself that I'm not worthy of being happy, so if I am actually incapable of showing compassion to myself that will prove that I am a failure and that I'm not worthy.  It means the end of my dreams for my creative and professional life and for a healthy and happy household/family. Failure here seems to be much more final and encompassing than failing at any other endeavor.

There is also a part of me that is afraid of succeeding.  What if, by showing compassion and love for myself, I go too far and really do become selfish, arrogant, and prideful? What if I succeed in becoming a much more compassionate person and decide to relinquish the dreams I have held on to for so many years? What if, in becoming more myself, I turn into someone I no longer recognize and have to build a completely different life? I like comfort -- even when it blocks, stymies, and hurts me.  I don't want to let go of what I know. It's scary.

It's all so scary. 

In my heart, in that part of my being that is beyond emotion, intellect, even beyond thought, I know that I am deserving of compassion and love and fulfillment. I believe that I deserve the same forgiveness and consideration that I show others.  I also know that I am extremely strong and capable of doing what I need to do.  I won't fail at this. I can grow and change and adapt because I have done it over and over again in my life.  I just have to convince the rest of me, the ego, the inner child, the inner critic and all those voices that accumulated in my head telling me "no" and "bad" and "worthless" over the years.  They are the ones that are scared.  And, perhaps, they are the ones that need to experience compassion.

Treat People with Reverence

"When people are treated with reverence, they become conscious of their own sacred worth, and ordinary actions, such as eating and drinking, are lifted to a level higher than the biological and invested with holiness."

Confucius on how to interpret li from Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life (pg 43).