Derailed

Compassion may be a noble obsession, but I haven't been up to the task.  First I was derailed by a tangent investigation into radical honesty -- which actually has a connection to compassion.  Then I was forced to be honest with myself and realize that I have a much deeper issue to address: myself.

After grappling with the appropriateness of obsessing about myself instead of a project or grand idea or even a single personality or character trait I realized what is really going on.  I am in the midst of a mid-life crisis.  The funny thing is that once I admitted that, I got a tiny bit calmer.  And a few days after I admitted it to myself, my partner mentioned that she thought that was what was happening. 

There's nothing wrong with a mid-life crisis.  I am turning 43 in September.  I've had other existential crises throughout my life. This one just seems much deeper and intense.  I've actually been in the midst of this crisis for several years -- at least since we moved to Santa Fe in late 2008.  I managed different levels of functioning in that time.  Last year, for example, I worked for nine months at a full-time job without any major meltdowns. 

Rather than rambling on and on, for now I'll just stop here. I'm unable to obsess about anything because I am having a mid life crisis which requires me to obsess about everything.  As a result, my "official" obsession is going to have to be Myself -- at least for awhile.