My third week was all about proving the principle that if you aren't compassionate with yourself, you can't show compassion to others.
I failed at both and am struggling to figure out the difference between being understanding of my failure and forgiving myself and condoning my behavior. The latter will just lead to me either repeating the behavior or wallowing in it. Neither is something I want to do.
It's been a really difficult time and I don't think I'm going to go into the specifics. I need to refocus on ways to be compassion to myself and others.
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
23 May 2011
14 May 2011
Progress Report
I had planned to do a weekly progress report, but I was sick at the beginning of week 2. Now that I'm at the end of the second full week, I find my head to be very fuzzy. I'm not sure that I can put together anything remotely coherent, but I'm going to try.
The first week actually went better than I expected. I knew there would be significant internal resistance to the idea of practicing compassion for myself and to giving up all my other distractions in order to truly obsess. While that did happen, it wasn't as extreme -- though to be honest, I didn't let go of my normal distractions that much. I did find my mind spinning with thoughts related to compassion and self compassion. I stumbled across the 12 Steps book as well as several websites that fueled reflections on compassion. I even started recognizing discourse on compassion in other places -- like creativity books and self help/memoirs.
I have identified some connections between compassion and imagination and creativity that I had not previously recognized. A day before the light bulb went off I wouldn't have been able to accept that there was such a direct relationship. Now it makes perfect sense, though I'm not really able to articulate it clearly yet. I guess it is true that when you allow yourself to obsess on something you start to put thoughts and ideas together in new and exciting ways.
Week two was less insightful. Partly because I was sick and since I recovered I've been extremely tired and worn down. If illness is supposed to be the body saying it needs a break and providing for enforced rest, then something went wrong in my case. I got over the illness, but I'm exhausted and sleepy a lot of the time. It makes it even more difficult to put words together -- just ask Johnnie how many times I've misspoke in the last week.
I have made small steps towards self acceptance and nurturing. I am doing little bits of art preparation and (before I got sick) I even managed to do a small collage as well as finish a collage I had started last year. I am also making progress on body compassion (another big issue that I'll write more about in a day or two). Nothing major yet, just small steps.
I have almost finished my first read of the 12 Steps Book and am working my way through Toxic Criticism. Both are key to helping me frame my process of self compassion, overall compassion, and moving forward with creating a meaningful life for myself.
If I had to summarize the first two weeks of this productive obsession I'd say that Week One was about excitement and unexpected insights and Week Two has been about baby steps and learning to sustain the obsession.
The first week actually went better than I expected. I knew there would be significant internal resistance to the idea of practicing compassion for myself and to giving up all my other distractions in order to truly obsess. While that did happen, it wasn't as extreme -- though to be honest, I didn't let go of my normal distractions that much. I did find my mind spinning with thoughts related to compassion and self compassion. I stumbled across the 12 Steps book as well as several websites that fueled reflections on compassion. I even started recognizing discourse on compassion in other places -- like creativity books and self help/memoirs.
I have identified some connections between compassion and imagination and creativity that I had not previously recognized. A day before the light bulb went off I wouldn't have been able to accept that there was such a direct relationship. Now it makes perfect sense, though I'm not really able to articulate it clearly yet. I guess it is true that when you allow yourself to obsess on something you start to put thoughts and ideas together in new and exciting ways.
Week two was less insightful. Partly because I was sick and since I recovered I've been extremely tired and worn down. If illness is supposed to be the body saying it needs a break and providing for enforced rest, then something went wrong in my case. I got over the illness, but I'm exhausted and sleepy a lot of the time. It makes it even more difficult to put words together -- just ask Johnnie how many times I've misspoke in the last week.
I have made small steps towards self acceptance and nurturing. I am doing little bits of art preparation and (before I got sick) I even managed to do a small collage as well as finish a collage I had started last year. I am also making progress on body compassion (another big issue that I'll write more about in a day or two). Nothing major yet, just small steps.
I have almost finished my first read of the 12 Steps Book and am working my way through Toxic Criticism. Both are key to helping me frame my process of self compassion, overall compassion, and moving forward with creating a meaningful life for myself.
If I had to summarize the first two weeks of this productive obsession I'd say that Week One was about excitement and unexpected insights and Week Two has been about baby steps and learning to sustain the obsession.
28 April 2011
Random Thoughts
I know that compassion is what I need to obsess on for the next phase of my journey, but I've been avoiding formulating a specific obsession statement....
Maybe this time around I should start with a general concept and let it form itself into a statement once I start obsessing....
I told my counselor that I know two things I will need to face, besides the Big One. I'm not ready to talk about these here, except for acknowledging that I will probably need to get back into some form of volunteer work. When I told her that she asked what the connection between compassion and volunteering is for me. I replied that for me, service is compassion in action. It occurs to me that that would make a good bumper sticker or mantra...
Last time I printed out my obsession statement and placed it all over my house. My printer isn't working, so even if I had a statement ready, I couldn't do that. I am considering writing out some quotes from the brainstorm book by hand and seeing how that works for inspiration.... perhaps this one:
I'm not sure it's a good thing that Johnnie is also working on compassion as part of his spiritual journey. He started on it awhile ago, so he may be getting ready to move onto another lesson soon. We just experience our lessons very differently, so I don't know how that will play out...
At the time that all hell was breaking loose in my Household and financial life during the second half of 2010, I really struggled to feel like I was accomplishing anything from obsessing about leadership. However, looking back I realize that I did what I felt needed to be done to get Johnnie and myself into a better living situation and, eventually, to a more responsible financial footing. We are even beginning to resume the work we had started last summer to build our own businesses and create the life we want. Much of that is a direct result of my leadership -- though I certainly didn't expect to have to go through all that to end up here...
For pretty much my entire life, television has been my distraction, my guilty pleasure, my tool for learning, and my escape from the world. It is something that Johnnie and I have in common -- in fact, we spent a good portion of our first 'date' comparing notes on our favorite SciFi television shows. I wonder where I'll find time to obsess about compassion when May sweeps is winding up the current season and the network upfronts are announcing which shows are renewed and what new ones will come...in short, it's the busiest month of the year in terms of television news and storylines and I'm supposed to be obsessing about something completely unrelated...
Maybe this time around I should start with a general concept and let it form itself into a statement once I start obsessing....
I told my counselor that I know two things I will need to face, besides the Big One. I'm not ready to talk about these here, except for acknowledging that I will probably need to get back into some form of volunteer work. When I told her that she asked what the connection between compassion and volunteering is for me. I replied that for me, service is compassion in action. It occurs to me that that would make a good bumper sticker or mantra...
Last time I printed out my obsession statement and placed it all over my house. My printer isn't working, so even if I had a statement ready, I couldn't do that. I am considering writing out some quotes from the brainstorm book by hand and seeing how that works for inspiration.... perhaps this one:
"The challenges you face are the exact ones you need to tackle." (page 30)...
I'm not sure it's a good thing that Johnnie is also working on compassion as part of his spiritual journey. He started on it awhile ago, so he may be getting ready to move onto another lesson soon. We just experience our lessons very differently, so I don't know how that will play out...
At the time that all hell was breaking loose in my Household and financial life during the second half of 2010, I really struggled to feel like I was accomplishing anything from obsessing about leadership. However, looking back I realize that I did what I felt needed to be done to get Johnnie and myself into a better living situation and, eventually, to a more responsible financial footing. We are even beginning to resume the work we had started last summer to build our own businesses and create the life we want. Much of that is a direct result of my leadership -- though I certainly didn't expect to have to go through all that to end up here...
For pretty much my entire life, television has been my distraction, my guilty pleasure, my tool for learning, and my escape from the world. It is something that Johnnie and I have in common -- in fact, we spent a good portion of our first 'date' comparing notes on our favorite SciFi television shows. I wonder where I'll find time to obsess about compassion when May sweeps is winding up the current season and the network upfronts are announcing which shows are renewed and what new ones will come...in short, it's the busiest month of the year in terms of television news and storylines and I'm supposed to be obsessing about something completely unrelated...
24 April 2011
Reboot
Last summer I committed to productive obsession. The basic concept is to actively choose a topic, goal, or problem and to focus all my mental energies to the pursuit of that grand idea. The goal is that obsession will move from mental exercise to action and will transform me and my life. This comes from a book called brainstorm by Eric and Ann Maisel.
As I embarked on my first obsession (to embrace my talent as a leader), I started a private blog here where I could document my journey. I wasn't sure at the time if I wanted to share it with the world or with just a few trusted individuals. (My Life Partner got to read it from the beginning, of course.) I figured I would make that decision after a few days of experimenting.
That first obsession did prove to be transformative, though in ways I could never have expected. I guess that't the entire point of the exercise, so I'm not complaining. I spent several weeks choosing my obsession and taking initial steps to organize my thoughts to jump in and start on August 1st. Those first posts have been transferred to this blog so that readers can see that archive. (It's only two posts.) As I took the first step as a leader, namely holding a Household meeting to get things in order, I triggered an avalanche of intensely emotional events that led to our House mates leaving (one at a time) over the next few months and left myself and my partner, Johnnie, in possession of a lease and utilities that we couldn't begin to meet. On top of that, my job got changed and cut back in hours leading me into a cycle of anxiety that took months to get under control.
While I did not document any of that (I was too busy trying to tread water and oftentimes failing), I did try to keep the idea of acting as a leader foremost during these crises. I may not have been as decisive and effective as I wished, but I did manage to take steps (eventually) to improve our life and our financial situation. I'm not sure exactly when I stopped focusing on the thought of leadership. It probably trailed off in January when we entered a cycle of grieving for family members who died and then nursed one of our cats until I decided it was time to end her suffering.
I am about to begin another obsession. This time it will be centered around the subject of compassion and I plan to begin it on May 1st. I am re-reading the Maisels' book in order to refresh my understanding of the criteria for formulating an obsession and the overall concept. I plan to take some time this week to work on this blog as a place to chronicle all my obsessions, past, present, and future. I may set aside blogging time to reflect on how the leadership obsession played out. I will probably write some about why I am obsessing on compassion at this time and what I want to explore about it. Once May 1st comes around, who knows what will happen.
As I embarked on my first obsession (to embrace my talent as a leader), I started a private blog here where I could document my journey. I wasn't sure at the time if I wanted to share it with the world or with just a few trusted individuals. (My Life Partner got to read it from the beginning, of course.) I figured I would make that decision after a few days of experimenting.
That first obsession did prove to be transformative, though in ways I could never have expected. I guess that't the entire point of the exercise, so I'm not complaining. I spent several weeks choosing my obsession and taking initial steps to organize my thoughts to jump in and start on August 1st. Those first posts have been transferred to this blog so that readers can see that archive. (It's only two posts.) As I took the first step as a leader, namely holding a Household meeting to get things in order, I triggered an avalanche of intensely emotional events that led to our House mates leaving (one at a time) over the next few months and left myself and my partner, Johnnie, in possession of a lease and utilities that we couldn't begin to meet. On top of that, my job got changed and cut back in hours leading me into a cycle of anxiety that took months to get under control.
While I did not document any of that (I was too busy trying to tread water and oftentimes failing), I did try to keep the idea of acting as a leader foremost during these crises. I may not have been as decisive and effective as I wished, but I did manage to take steps (eventually) to improve our life and our financial situation. I'm not sure exactly when I stopped focusing on the thought of leadership. It probably trailed off in January when we entered a cycle of grieving for family members who died and then nursed one of our cats until I decided it was time to end her suffering.
I am about to begin another obsession. This time it will be centered around the subject of compassion and I plan to begin it on May 1st. I am re-reading the Maisels' book in order to refresh my understanding of the criteria for formulating an obsession and the overall concept. I plan to take some time this week to work on this blog as a place to chronicle all my obsessions, past, present, and future. I may set aside blogging time to reflect on how the leadership obsession played out. I will probably write some about why I am obsessing on compassion at this time and what I want to explore about it. Once May 1st comes around, who knows what will happen.
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