Progress Report

I had planned to do a weekly progress report, but I was sick at the beginning of week 2. Now that I'm at the end of the second full week, I find my head to be very fuzzy. I'm not sure that I can put together anything remotely coherent, but I'm going to try.

The first week actually went better than I expected.  I knew there would be significant internal resistance to the idea of practicing compassion for myself and to giving up all my other distractions in order to truly obsess.  While that did happen, it wasn't as extreme -- though to be honest, I didn't let go of my normal distractions that much.  I did find my mind spinning with thoughts related to compassion and self compassion.  I stumbled across the 12 Steps book as well as several websites that fueled reflections on compassion.  I even started recognizing discourse on compassion in other places -- like creativity books and self help/memoirs.

I have identified some connections between compassion and imagination and creativity that I had not previously recognized.  A day before the light bulb went off I wouldn't have been able to accept that there was such a direct relationship.  Now it makes perfect sense, though I'm not really able to articulate it clearly yet.  I guess it is true that when you allow yourself to obsess on something you start to put thoughts and ideas together in new and exciting ways.

Week two was less insightful.  Partly because I was sick and since I recovered I've been extremely tired and worn down.  If illness is supposed to be the body saying it needs a break and providing for enforced rest, then something went wrong in my case.  I got over the illness, but I'm exhausted and sleepy a lot of the time.  It makes it even more difficult to put words together -- just ask Johnnie how many times I've misspoke in the last week.

I have made small steps towards self acceptance and nurturing.  I am doing little bits of art preparation and (before I got sick) I even managed to do a small collage as well as finish a collage I had started last year.  I am also making progress on body compassion (another big issue that I'll write more about in a day or two). Nothing major yet, just small steps.

I have almost finished my first read of the 12 Steps Book and am working my way through Toxic Criticism.  Both are key to helping me frame my process of self compassion, overall compassion, and moving forward with creating a meaningful life for myself.

If I had to summarize the first two weeks of this productive obsession I'd say that Week One was about excitement and unexpected insights and Week Two has been about baby steps and learning to sustain the obsession.

Reading Habits

I debated heavily whether or not to include a reading list on my side bar. I realize that some people read one or two books at a time and that they can take days or even weeks to find the time to complete even one book.  My Partner, Johnnie, is like that.  I, however, am a voracious reader.  I can devour a book in a matter of hours and have been known to deprive myself of sleep to finish a book that I can't put down.  As a result, I can have as many as a dozen books going at one time.  I can also finish two or three books between visits to update this site. That makes it difficult to maintain an accurate list.

The solution I've come up with is to include not only "Current Reading" but "Recent Reads."  This will give me a place to list books that I read without having a chance to put on the Current List. 

I'm not sure that anyone will care about my reading habits, but since I definitely believe that what I'm reading both reflects and informs my current obsession, it is important to provide that snapshot of my bookshelf.

Getting Started

I am embarking on a one-month "brainstorm" project. The new book Brainstorm: Harnessing the Power of Productive Obsessions by Eric Maisel and Ann Maisel outlines the core idea: that by productively obsessing on an idea we can focus the power of our minds rather than letting them be distracted, fragmented, and mostly dormant.  To begin, you choose an idea and commit to productively obsessing about for one month.

There's a lot of information in the book about the difference between what psychology and the general public consider "obsession" versus a productive obsession.  There's also discussion on how to tell a productive obsession from a "passionate interest" and how to recognize if an idea is worthy of being elevated to the status of productive obsession in your life.

After much thought -- and lodging a few protests with the Universe -- I've honed my idea.  In August 2010 my productive obsession is to embrace my talent as a leader.

I can't really say that I fought with the Universe about it.  In general, I don't fight with the Universe.  I may question, resist, ignore, protest, or whine at the Universe, but I don't actually fight it.  Nor do I ever doubt that the Universe 1) knows what I need to be doing and 2) has my overall best interests at heart.  I don't want to delve into spirituality too much in this entry. I'm sure it will come up as I obsess about leadership.

I did protest and resist this idea.  I've spent the greater part of my life dreaming about becoming a writer and artist.  Lately I've recognized I also have a calling to be a creativity coach.  When I started reading Brainstorm it was the intent of applying the lessons of the book to one or all of those areas.  When the Universe said otherwise, I was caught off guard and wasn't too happy about it.  However, if there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that if I have an intense negative (i.e., scared out of my wits or hard core resistant) reaction to something the Universe decrees, then I'd better just give in and do it -- and sooner rather than later.

After some contemplation I was forced to recognize that leadership is at the root of a lot of my problems with artistic blocks, creative stalling, and hesitation to get started on new projects.  My reluctance to fully assume my role as leader of my household has created a jumble of problems in my living situation, ranging from frustration that the furniture is covered in cat hair to anger that I'm not being properly acknowledged as the head of the house.  My partner and I are wasting tons of time and energy discussing these problems rather than putting that energy into his new business or my creative endeavors.

Additionally, my role in his business -- which is actually our joint endeavor, with him as the front man -- is to direct the overall vision as well as make sure he's taking care of the details.  In short, I'm the leader there too.  If I want to ensure his success, I have to embrace my role there and stop thinking of myself simply as his cheerleader and the person he bounces ideas off of.

If the main reason I was put on this earth is to lead by example -- and in some cases flat out lead -- then I should stop being afraid of my leadership skills and the natural talent I seem to have for inspiring people.  This month of productive obsession will give me plenty of mind-time to work on some core points with regard to leadership:

• why am I afraid of being a leader?
• how can I release, address, and/or overcome those fears?
• why am I reluctant to admit I have leadership talent?
• what does it mean to me to be a good leader?
• who are my role models of great leadership?
• what are my current failings as a leader?
• what steps can I take to improve my leadership skills?
• how can I be a better leader in this moment in my household? at work? in my artistic calling? with the KS business?

I've no doubt other questions will arise and whether or not I can get a handle of any, let alone all, of these in a mere month will depend on how good I am at letting go of my unproductive obsessions, interests, and distractions.  I'm sure it will be quite a learning experience.  And, I sincerely hope, an active experience with discernible results, rather than another exercise in mental masturbation.

One thing that I've realized in the last few days, thanks in part to Brainstorm, is that commitment is a key element to any creative endeavor.  I can think and plan and dream and strategize and have a hundred "that's it!" moments.  Until I actually commit to action, it's all just words on a page, on my tongue, or in my head.

I embrace my talent as a leader.