Countdown to Obsession

I've been in a very weird mental place the past few days.  I know part of it due to the approaching start of my next productive obsession experiment.  My fear and anxiety about facing my issues around compassion is pretty intense.  Then there's the fact that my job is being redefined (again!) and I have no way of knowing how much work I'll have in May, which once again puts my household income in question.

....but it's mostly the anxiety....

I am committed to compassion. I will do this.

but first I'm going to get a night's sleep.

Reboot

Last summer I committed to productive obsession.  The basic concept is to actively choose a topic, goal, or problem and to focus all my mental energies to the pursuit of that grand idea.  The goal is that obsession will move from mental exercise to action and will transform me and my life. This comes from a book called brainstorm by Eric and Ann Maisel.

As I embarked on my first obsession (to embrace my talent as a leader), I started a private blog here where I could document my journey.  I wasn't sure at the time if I wanted to share it with the world or with just a few trusted individuals. (My Life Partner got to read it from the beginning, of course.)  I figured I would make that decision after a few days of experimenting.

That first obsession did prove to be transformative, though in ways I could never have expected.  I guess that't the entire point of the exercise, so I'm not complaining.  I spent several weeks choosing my obsession and taking initial steps to organize my thoughts to jump in and start on August 1st.  Those first posts have been transferred to this blog so that readers can see that archive. (It's only two posts.) As I took the first step as a leader, namely holding a Household meeting to get things in order, I triggered an avalanche of intensely emotional events that led to our House mates leaving (one at a time) over the next few months and left myself and my partner, Johnnie, in possession of a lease and utilities that we couldn't begin to meet.  On top of that, my job got changed and cut back in hours leading me into a cycle of anxiety that took months to get under control.

While I did not document any of that (I was too busy trying to tread water and oftentimes failing), I did try to keep the idea of acting as a leader foremost during these crises.  I may not have been as decisive and effective as I wished, but I did manage to take steps (eventually) to improve our life and our financial situation.  I'm not sure exactly when I stopped focusing on the thought of leadership. It probably trailed off in January when we entered a cycle of grieving for family members who died and then nursed one of our cats until I decided it was time to end her suffering.

I am about to begin another obsession.  This time it will be centered around the subject of compassion and I plan to begin it on May 1st.  I am re-reading the Maisels' book in order to refresh my understanding of the criteria for formulating an obsession and the overall concept.  I plan to take some time this week to work on this blog as a place to chronicle all my obsessions, past, present, and future.  I may set aside blogging time to reflect on how the leadership obsession played out. I will probably write some about why I am obsessing on compassion at this time and what I want to explore about it.  Once May 1st comes around, who knows what will happen.

Reflections on Day 1

Before I even got out of bed I realized how difficult it was going to be to eliminate the other, non-productive, obsessions from my mind to leave room for my chosen obsession. In that half-awake, half-asleep state my mind kept going back to work -- and not to a major problem or project, but to a silly, nearly mindless repetitive task that I spent most of Friday doing.  Each time I just accepted that that was what I was thinking and eventually I'd remember that it's not what I wanted to think about and try to shut that off.  Which only worked until the next semi-conscious moment when I realized I was doing it again.

The real question of the day for me was how do I actually obsess about something? -- something I've chosen for compelling reasons rather than something my brain is used to using as a distraction. A Sunday can seem to stretch on forever if you're 1) trying to resist your usual, distracting activities and 2) haven't figured out how to turn a thought or question into an actual obsession.  I avoided turning on the TV and reading nonsense fiction or playing computer games for most of the day.  But eventually I gave in.  Some entertainment is necessary -- esp. when you're stressed about whether your partner made the finals in a national cable network contest.

I did manage to put together this blog -- after a false start on wordpress -- and write a first entry about my goals for this experiment.  I also tried to gently push my mind to thoughts of leadership -- but right now it just seems like a morass of questions rather than any single thing to lock my brain on. How does one focus on a chaotic cloud of multiple questions, thoughts, and impressions?

In addition to the questions posed in my initial entry, I have considered other things I need to consider during this month:

• how do you embrace a concept and why "embrace" instead of "accept" or "recognize" or "commit"?
• why "talent" instead of "skill" or "calling" and what talent do I think I have?
• If I'm "leading by example" what example do I want to set? And how do I actively change so many behaviors in so many different parts of my life?
• what is a leader anyway? what does one look like? how do they act that distinguishes them from "non-leaders"?
• What of all this am I supposed to be obsessing about? or is it just all of it? And if it's all of it, how do you "obsess" about so many different points.
• What does "obsess" mean, really? I understand what OCD looks like from television and movie depictions and several people I know in my life -- as well as mild OCD indicators in my own life.  But how do I consciously obsess about something?
• Does removing non-productive obsessions and distractions mean I can't watch any TV or movies, read books, surf the net, play games, etc. -- unless I can somehow tie them into my obsession? (Surely watching "the West Wing" is part of a study of leadership styles, choices, and consequences, right?)

I know that my daily life has to continue.  Today I get to see how I can obsess without disrupting my work day and will potentially be testing my actual commitment to action by having a Household meeting late tonight.  I suppose that should be my focus for today -- what and how to say and how do I make sure I have the proper level of nutrients, rest, and objectivity to be able to lead a meeting so late in the day.

One of the examples in the Brainstorm book that stuck in my mind is the thought that a teacher choosing to spend her lunch hour grading papers was actually in service to her writing obsession because by taking time to finish the daily tasks of her job would free up time later to work on her obsession.  It reminded me of the way I helped J refocus how her work wasn't just work for a check, but was actually work in service of the household -- something that provided financial resources to the household while giving her practice in her chosen field and the opportunity to practice certain people skills and coping skills.  All things that made her a better member of the household.

I need to start reframing everything I do in terms of my position as a leader. How, in this moment, am I serving, growing, practicing, or exemplifying being a leader?  Not exactly an easy task for a Monday morning, but a commitment is a commitment. Whether I can obsess "right" or even "well" at this point isn't the point.  It's the work that counts.

I embrace my talent as a leader.